Wah wah wah

Recently I have put on some weight. Mostly in the upper arm and chest area, but there's a fair smattering across the rest of me, too. I am exceedingly unhappy about this situation.

I signed up with a PT a year ago now, and I see him 4 times a week for 45 minutes. While I have gotten stronger, I haven't lost any weight, and in recent months have actually started putting it on. And it's not muscle weight, because I don't actually weigh myself. It's fat, and I can't fit into 90% of my clothes anymore. This frustrates me.

I don't understand it, really. I exercise regularly, and up until a few weeks ago, was eating quite healthy (during exams, I tend to need jelly beans to keep my concentration). Then I realised my trainer just didn't really care anymore. He is phoning it in, so I stopped eating properly, which obviously didn't help the situation.

When I first started with my trainer, I should have realised he wasn't "weight oriented." He didn't weigh me, didn't take any measurements, etc. Just started straight out with the weights. We hardly do any cardio. I think he thinks it's boring to stand beside a treadmill for 15-20 minutes not doing anything, even though he knows those 4 sessions with him are all that I do, because I won't go to a gym by myself (I'm inherently lazy and need to have paid someone to be there so I'll actually go), so we should be doing some cardio sessions.

He makes up excuses on why we don't do cardio. He tries to make it seem like it's my idea that I don't want to focus on weight loss. He actually once said to me, "I think you're the type of girl who'd have to starve herself to be thin." What?! Dude, a few years ago I weighed 48kgs and ate like a horse. I'm only 5'2". I'm not meant to be above 55kgs max. I have a very small frame that does not hide any additional kilos well. What bullshit.

Anyway, I have finally given up on him. Miss Giggles has been talking up the trainer she and a friend use, so I have decided to leave my gym and trainer and see if this other chick will work for me. I really need someone to push me really hard and practically kill me each session. I'm more than happy to go on a very strict diet. I used to be vegan, so I'm used to not being able to eat much.

I really hope this works, because I am sick to death of being this fat (even though most people say I'm not - I'm a size 10 at the moment, but trust me, for me, that is bordering on obese. I'm very short and I can't hold that much weight elegantly!). I just want to be able to try on a top without getting my fat arms stuck in the sleeves, or having the buttons wanting to bust over my chest. I'd like to walk down the street with my shoulders back without immediately wanting to hunch over because my chest is sticking out so far. I do not understand why girls get boob jobs. I hate my chest being this size. It hurts my back, makes my bras dig into me, means I can't wear so many different types of clothes because they look awful with huge boobs falling out of them, and just generally make me self conscious. If all else fails, I will totally have them surgically reduced. I can't stand them. I hate my body so much right now that I'm not even doing any fashion designing. I don't want to make any nice clothes, because I know they'll look awful on me right now.

*sigh*. I'll keep you updated as to my progress. I see the new trainer as of 9 July (I've paid up front with my current trainer, so I have to finish my sessions). Hopefully by December I'll be back to at least an 8, if not the 6 I'm meant to be!

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

After my final exam on Friday, William took me out to dinner (mmm, truffle mash!). It was good, but the dessert menu wasn't inspiring, so we went to Baskins instead.

We had already placed our orders and were just lingering in front of the counter when a girl (who, I will admit, looked like the stereotypical "butch" lesbian) peeked her head around me, obviously trying to see the flavours. I tried to push William over, but he didn't move, so I just walked around the other side of him to get out of this girl's way so she could see what she wanted.

As I stood there, she looked me up and down a few times and had this strange look on her face. I smiled back at her. Then she said something so ridiculously offensive I still haven't quite gotten over it.

"It's ok, I won't touch you."

I was really confused for half a second. What on earth did she mean? Oh... wait... she couldn't possibly?... she doesn't mean?... She does! She honestly thought I moved out of her way because she's a lesbian! What the fuck?! I said, "What? Oh, no, I was moving out of your way so you could see..." but I don't think I was convincing. It probably didn't help that when I tried to push William over, he didn't move, so it would have looked like I was moving behind him to hide from her.

I just can't describe how offended I was she thought that. I have never, in my entire life, ever had a problem with gay people. Ever. There was one gay guy I worked with that I didn't like, but that was because he was an idiot in general, not because he was gay. I felt like trying to explain to this girl that she had me all wrong, that there was no way I'd ever discriminate against someone like that, but "the lady doth protest too much" ran through my head, so I didn't bother. If she wanted to think she'd been treated badly by some stranger, there wasn't much I could do about it.

But it's still baffling me. Why would you immediately jump to that conclusion in a confined space, when you're trying to look at the products that someone else is standing in front of? Why would you immediately think that them moving was because they were trying to get away from you and not because they were simply being polite and giving you the space to look at the products? Weird.

Going to a show on Friday night with William's mother and sister. Somebody please save me. Also, they're getting a lift with me from the city to our place beforehand so they can change. I guarantee my driving is going to get some remarks. I drive like a normal, maniacal city driver, and I'm not going to change that just because they're in the car. Still, I bet I cop it for driving too close/fast/whatever. Ugh. And I'll have just been to the gym, so I'll be all sweaty and tired and cranky (Friday is legs day. I hate legs). Fun fun.

Back soon

Away studying for final exams. I'm sure you all miss me terribly.

Wahoo!

I have been putting it off for months, but with great trepidation finally told my boss I was going travelling in December for 8 months, but would like to come back.

He said, "Of course I want you to come back." Yay!

So now I just need to find someone who is good enough that I don't have to fix 8 months of mistakes when I get back, but not so good he thinks they're better than me and changes his mind about getting me back. Tough!