Gross out time

So, on the topic of disgusting sexual encounters, I have one of my own to share.

I have never told anyone this story, because frankly it's just so embarrassing. I can't believe I'm even going to write about it now. Oh well. Here goes...

So, I had met this dude on the internet (as I do). We arranged to meet for dinner one night. It was dark when we met, and we went to a Tibetan restaurant where the light was poor. He had also bought a white wine that was actually not disgusting (I don't like the taste of wine, plus there's an additive in most of them that gives me migraines - I wish I could remember what this one was called so I could buy some more). So I had a few glasses. We walked through the city and ended up at my office building, so I took him upstairs to show him the view from my boss's office. And no, we didn't do it in my boss's office, you weirdos! We just kissed and stuff.

I thought, in my drink induced/dark night haze that he was a bit alright. So we arranged to meet up again.

I met him again a few days later. In the day time. My god, wasn't I horrified! Dude was u-g-l-y!! He was so repulsive I really wanted to just say, "Look, it was nice meeting you. Have fun!" and run off. But I couldn't. I felt horrible and superficial for judging him on his looks. I mean, he seemed like a nice guy after all. So I thought I would give it a go.

Dude was obsessed with me. I met his parents. I met his friends. In the space of 2 weeks. They all said, "Wow, he must really like you. He never introduces us to anyone!" Which didn't help me at all, because I was secretly planning a way out, and those comments were just making me feel worse.

And then he booked us an hotel room (he still lived with his parents - ugh). I don't know what was going on with him, but apparently I am intimidating. He put a condom on, and he was trying to get things going, but then stopped and said it wasn't working. I was actually relieved, because I have no idea why I agreed to have sex with him to start with. I didn't even like him!

And that's when things got confusing. I know he put the condom on. I saw him. But he just kept lying in bed afterwards and I didn't see him try to take it off. I got up and walked to the other side of the bed, and it wasn't on the floor, or in the bin, or anything. I wondered what on earth was going on. Was he lying there with it still on his flaccid dick? Gross! I didn't care enough to ask, however. If dude wants to go to sleep with a latex sock on his dick, that's his business. So I went to sleep as well.

I got up the next morning to go to work. I said goodbye. And then I never spoke to him again. I stopped answering his calls, text messages and emails. I think he knew I was going to, because he had a look on his face when I left that morning.

And then, a couple of weeks later, it was that time of the month. And this is where things get gross. I went to the bathroom at work to change my tampon (oh, grow up! there's no other way to say it!). And as I'm sure every girl does, I had a bit of a peek just to see how "heavy" things were. And there, stuck to the side was this great big glob of something. I was shocked. I'd never seen anything like it before. For a split second the thought went through my head that maybe I had been pregnant and had just miscarried a foetus or something. So, although this is totally gross, I had a closer look. No, I didn't bring it up near my face or anything! Disgusting! I just sort of bent down closer.

It was the condom. It had been there for about 2 and a half weeks. How foul is that?!

Why the fuck didn't he tell me he'd lost it? He said, "Um, this isn't working, sorry. I don't know why. I'm really sorry." And that was it. Nothing about, "Hey, I'm really sorry, but my dick is all floppy and the condom has come off and I think you might need to go and check it out." Nothing.

So the entire time I was looking at him wondering why he wasn't removing the condom, he was looking at me wondering the exact same thing! No wonder he didn't really seem to care that I wasn't speaking to him anymore! He thought I was a dirty whore who let condoms incubate inside her! Gross!

I am still to this day surprised that I didn't get toxic shock syndrome or something. A condom up there for 2.5 weeks, after it had already been on some dude's dick, has got to be a breeding ground for bacteria, surely? I felt so dirty and gross when I found it, let me assure you. I am such a clean freak that I always make sure I have excellent hygiene. Perhaps if I had a habit of douching, I might have been ok! Haha.

Eww. I'm feeling sick just thinking about it again.

So yes. That's my embarrassing and disgusting sex story. Let it be a lesson to all you girls! Don't expect the dude to tell you he's lost the condom! Check for yourself!