Wah wah wah

Recently I have put on some weight. Mostly in the upper arm and chest area, but there's a fair smattering across the rest of me, too. I am exceedingly unhappy about this situation.

I signed up with a PT a year ago now, and I see him 4 times a week for 45 minutes. While I have gotten stronger, I haven't lost any weight, and in recent months have actually started putting it on. And it's not muscle weight, because I don't actually weigh myself. It's fat, and I can't fit into 90% of my clothes anymore. This frustrates me.

I don't understand it, really. I exercise regularly, and up until a few weeks ago, was eating quite healthy (during exams, I tend to need jelly beans to keep my concentration). Then I realised my trainer just didn't really care anymore. He is phoning it in, so I stopped eating properly, which obviously didn't help the situation.

When I first started with my trainer, I should have realised he wasn't "weight oriented." He didn't weigh me, didn't take any measurements, etc. Just started straight out with the weights. We hardly do any cardio. I think he thinks it's boring to stand beside a treadmill for 15-20 minutes not doing anything, even though he knows those 4 sessions with him are all that I do, because I won't go to a gym by myself (I'm inherently lazy and need to have paid someone to be there so I'll actually go), so we should be doing some cardio sessions.

He makes up excuses on why we don't do cardio. He tries to make it seem like it's my idea that I don't want to focus on weight loss. He actually once said to me, "I think you're the type of girl who'd have to starve herself to be thin." What?! Dude, a few years ago I weighed 48kgs and ate like a horse. I'm only 5'2". I'm not meant to be above 55kgs max. I have a very small frame that does not hide any additional kilos well. What bullshit.

Anyway, I have finally given up on him. Miss Giggles has been talking up the trainer she and a friend use, so I have decided to leave my gym and trainer and see if this other chick will work for me. I really need someone to push me really hard and practically kill me each session. I'm more than happy to go on a very strict diet. I used to be vegan, so I'm used to not being able to eat much.

I really hope this works, because I am sick to death of being this fat (even though most people say I'm not - I'm a size 10 at the moment, but trust me, for me, that is bordering on obese. I'm very short and I can't hold that much weight elegantly!). I just want to be able to try on a top without getting my fat arms stuck in the sleeves, or having the buttons wanting to bust over my chest. I'd like to walk down the street with my shoulders back without immediately wanting to hunch over because my chest is sticking out so far. I do not understand why girls get boob jobs. I hate my chest being this size. It hurts my back, makes my bras dig into me, means I can't wear so many different types of clothes because they look awful with huge boobs falling out of them, and just generally make me self conscious. If all else fails, I will totally have them surgically reduced. I can't stand them. I hate my body so much right now that I'm not even doing any fashion designing. I don't want to make any nice clothes, because I know they'll look awful on me right now.

*sigh*. I'll keep you updated as to my progress. I see the new trainer as of 9 July (I've paid up front with my current trainer, so I have to finish my sessions). Hopefully by December I'll be back to at least an 8, if not the 6 I'm meant to be!