Very strange feelings

Anyone who knows me can tell you I am not an emotional person. On the outside. I don't cry in front of people, and I'm not really one to show my affection either. The only thing I ever really do show anyone is annoyance or anger, and even then I try to keep it in check. I was brought up with very old-fashioned beliefs, in that you shouldn't show emotions, because people can use them against you. I have therefore perfected a poker face, and no one ever really knows what I'm thinking. Once I trust someone, however, I can start to relax a little. But I really have to concentrate with those people to show emotions in conversations. I think I get a little bit over animated in conversations with them, because I'm trying so hard to be the opposite of what I normally am. I have to force myself to look surprised or shocked and exclaim, "No way!" when a friend tells me something that's happened to them, or to act really happy if something good happens. It's just not in my nature. That's also why I'm absolutely terrible at web cams, because I just sit there with a non-readable face while I'm typing - no smiles, no laughs, no eyebrow movements, nothing. I used to dread guys asking to chat via webcam in my internet dating days, because I knew they'd just think I was boring.

Anyway. There is a point to this. I leave Australia in 21 days. And all of sudden I have a wealth of emotions roaming around in me that are begging to be let out. I was crying in the car this morning on my way to work, just thinking of how much I was going to miss William. I do not do things like that usually. I had to practically force myself to cry at my nana's funeral recently, so for me to just spontaneously burst into tears is just weird. I am not one of those emotional crying girls that guys speak about all the time.

All morning, I have been feeling particularly sad. I think the new girl at work (who, incidentally, is so bloody slow a turtle trying to out-slow a snail would be faster) thinks I'm shitty at her, because I'm barely speaking. I just keep thinking about what a great big thing I am doing, packing up and leaving everyone I know for 6 months (then William comes to see me). I'm not really very close to anyone in my life (except William), so I didn't think it would be such a big deal for me. I think I might have been wrong.

I think I'm going to be a complete mess at the airport when I leave. And now my mother has told me she wants to come to see me off, even though my flight is at 5am. I know it sounds awful, but I don't think I want her and my father there. It will be my last chance to see William for six months, and I sort of just wanted to spend it with him. I can't say anything though, because I think it would hurt her feelings. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with her seeing me so emotional though. I would be embarrassed enough that William was witnessing it, let alone mum and dad. So yeah. Dilemma. I think I'll try to get them to just come for dinner the night before or something.

I don't think this post had a point. I'm just feeling very weird about everything right now.

But on the plus side, I finished a degree on Wednesday, so yay me. I'll be going to my graduation ceremony when I get back, which should be fun.