Recruitment funnies

I am currently recruiting for my job, and these are some of the great things I've read in resumes:

I have excellent attention to detail. I have attached my CV for your convience.

Good with Microsoft Words.

Proven skills in organisation: Im living by myself I have to organise everything by myself, including living and studying.

Due to my extensive work experience, I have acquired an extremely high level of accuracy and computer skills and as a result my work is of the highest standard (and then made the following mistakes: collegues; competitons, liasing, among other grammatical errors).

I left due to personal reasons, and in particular a constant heavy workload (umm... so you're a slacker??)

Unfortunately, I was left with no other choice but to leave this position as my employer was not prepared to allow me time off (and she's applying for a role where she won't be allowed any time off in the entire 9 months she's here? I think she would have an issue with that.)

I also found this one really amusing for some reason:

Personal attributes: “Killer Instinct” – I believe this is what has enabled me to become one of ##’s top female drivers, competing in Winch Challenges. I enjoy the challenge and the dedication involved in pursuing anything that I am passionate about.

Possibly because I can't imagine a woman who competes in winch challenges would present themselves suitably in this position!

And the winner of dressing up your responsibilities to sound important is: Being part of the mailroom team, I recognised the crucial role of communication between our firm and others.

And my personal favourite:

Achievements: Elected Facebook forum moderator of ## group.

Dude, if that's your only achievement, you have led a very boring and unsuccessful life!

I also don't get why people list "interests" on their resumes. I honestly don't care that you collect cacti and succulents, or that you're interested in prog rock (yes, they were both included in the resumes I've received so far). I couldn't care less if you like to read the works of Proust in your spare time (no, noone actually listed that), I don't want to know that much about you. All I care about is your last education (don't stretch it back to high school if you've already completed tertiary), your appropriate work experience (don't list kitchen hand positions when applying for an administrative role!), and your references. That's it. And write in complete sentences! There is nothing I hate more than getting a resume full of dot points. It makes me livid. How on earth am I supposed to get a grasp of your written English skills when you haven't written anything?! Morons.

But despite this, I think I have one or two people that would do very well in this position. Once I teach them how to format documents properly. There is a ruler bar for a reason people! You do not need to space all the way into the middle of a document, or even tab 5 times. Set a tab on the ruler and tab once. That's all you need to do. It's not difficult. And it stops my eyes bleeding when I work with the paragraph markers on (which I do all of the time). Some of the documents I've gotten have just been a complete mess. I don't want those people touching my nice, clean documents!